Thursday, November 12, 2009

My Thoughs for Thursday: Motherhood

Leslie wanted to know if we were going to have any more kids and Mary wondered if The Boy was with us full time, I will attempt to answer these questions today.

As much as I love Miss Peanut Butter, we are done. I toy with the thoughts every now and then, but ultimately we are done. I fear that I am not a very good mother, while I do not leave my child to starve in her own body fluids locked under the stairs, I do not think I would win any prizes either.  There is a theory that the later in life you have children that you get all kinds of things done in you 20's and you can have no regrets once you have kids. I am not this person, there is still a few  things I would like to do. I waited until I was 32, because we always seemed to have something going on. J will agree on this,  we really should have had a child earlier in our marriage.
I breezed through most the first year. Miss PB was a pretty good baby. Once she started walking my life was over. The terrible twos tried my every patience. The threes have not been a picnic. I know that motherhood is not all hugs and kisses, but I would like to get home from work and not have to deal with an after nap tantrum on a nearly everyday basis. I would like a night when I don't have to be the one to force a toothbrush in her mouth, praying that she will not be like her brother who never brushes his teeth because no body but me made him. I would like to be able to leave the house without an inkling of guilt.
I know what you are thinking, well don't you have a stepson, didn't you know what you were getting into. Honestly, J's boy, was 3 almost 4, when we started living together and he was much easier than Miss PB. . The Boy  was pretty mellow; he did not climb up on counters. He didn't strew his toys all over the house, they stayed in a nice mess in his room. He was not in motion every minute of his awake hours. He's only beef was he was obsessed with McD's. He is with us half time and that may have been a factor in all this since all parties involved were used to their own time and space. While I try my best to guide and prepare The Boy, I have made it clear from the beginning that he has a Mom, and I am not here to take her place. This may have made in into the inconvenient person who only seems to get on him about things, but so be it. I am the one who taught him to tie his shoes, make him brush his teeth, and really try an push responsibility on him. J has always said I hope you are as hard on the girl as you are him. I truly plan to be, but I hope by only having one set of rules, things will not get as wishy washy as it sometimes does with The Boy. I have heard from other people, I love all my kids the same, whether they are my step or not. This is not how I feel. I think that having actually had a child from birth makes a huge the difference. Maybe it is different for a man because they do not actually carry the child. I try very hard not to be preferential, but the motherly love I have for PB is totally different from The Boy.
Anyway, the main reasons we are done are: I always said once I hit 35 I was done, I am just getting to the good stuff with PB and I do not think I could sanely do years 1.5-4 again. I know that the next child could be totally different, I am not prepared to take that chance. As one of my coworkers said when you plant corn, you shouldn't be surprised when corn grows. I cannot deal with the guilt of motherhood on another level. It is already crushing me. I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything with out thinking I am doing some sort of damage to my child. This I think is the hardest on me. This I think is my greatest stress. I am trying very hard to find me time and let go. I am very jealous of people who just go and do things with out what seems a care. Do they feel like I do and just not say it? I sometimes wonder if it is because I work, but I honestly could not be a stay at home mom.
I think PB is one of a kind and I think she'll be staying that way.


Anonymous said...

You know, for as much as I complain about wanting to get away and have time to myself, it is almost easier to not get it because of the guilt it inflicts upon me. I too don't get those moms who are constantly off doing other things (outside of working if they have a job) and leaving their kids with sitters or grandparents.

I sometimes think it is a good thing we had our kids right in a row . . . if I had known what the preschool years were going to be like with Cooper, I am not sure we would have done it again.

Thanks for sharing!

Michelle Leigh said...

Brian and I often joke that if Bennett were our first, he'd be our only child! Motherhood is hard, probably the hardest thing out there to do, even when the child is easy. There is loads of guilt associated with it, you constantly question yourself and put yourself down because you can't be supermom. In the end, we do the best than we can. Ask Nicole for that site about motherhood, it will make you feel much better about it all. As for getting away, just do it. You need to. Maggie will survive and still love you. Plus, you will have a better appreciation of her when you get back! It's been a long road for me to get to the point where I can leave. Do I have guilt? Yep I do, and that sucks. But it's getting better. I'm not away from my kids long, or even a lot, but sometimes it's just a necessity!

Mary said...

I certainly do not think you are alone in your thoughts. And I think there are a lot of people out there that lie and portray their lives as being perfect and happy all of the time. Motherhood is very very hard work. And I too, feel guilty when I get away from my kids to do something for ME. I don't do it often, but when I do, I'm always thinking of them. But I also think we as mothers, need more time for ourselves. Hang in there! Thanks for sharing!

Leslie Collins said...

I give you a TON of credit. I would have such a hard time dealing with a step child. I don't think that I could love them the same as my own. It's different when you carry a child for nine months. You give your life to them from day 1.

Mommyhood is definitely not easy. We NEED to get out by ourselves often so we come back feeling refreshed and ready to parent again.

Thank you for sharing. :)

Denise said...

((HUGS)) First of all! You are a great mom. And do you know how I know that......because you CARE for the girl. NO ONE is the perfect mom. NO ONE. I have the same feelings of "OMG I am damaging their self esteem etc." I feel that way ALL THE TIME. But I do love them and I do the best that I can. We are also done with having kids 2 girls is enough for us. Our patience level is pretty much GONE! And I am loving the ages that they are 9 and 6. It will get better I promise. Hang in there sweetheart.