Could Things Be Getting Better?

I head into work today just hoping to make it through my eight hours and then it is Peanut Butter time, when I open my email and my ta-da mail sound goes off. I applied for a job in June that I really was interested in, but to be honest, my heart just wasn't in filling out the application, but I did and I scored pretty decent on it so I was sure I was going to get an interview. Well, like I said that was in June and I hear nothing. I was surprised I wasn't offered an interview since they were supposed to be hiring what seemed like a number of people and I ranked 14th on the application. I figured they took the top ten and I missed it. In my inbox today was a letter asking if I want to interview. I SO want to interview. This job would get me out of the big house. I would still be in my line of work per se, but it would be electronic monitoring. I want out of the big house. I can't explain how badly I want this job. I could not come at a better time. It would be a slight bump in pay and the best part.....they have first shift openings. Though, I think I will even consider third shift here just to get out of the big house. I really hope I can nail this interview. 

and life goes on

Peanut Butter started school last week. She was excited and seems to be adjusting well to full days. She does beg me to stay with her on the days that I drop her off though. It is heart breaking and frustrating all at the same time. 

The day before my divorce was final, I took Nicole's advice and had my hair chopped off. I wanted something new, I wanted to move on, and it is just hair. I loved it when I walked out, but I'm not so sure anymore, but I'll make it work.

After the divorce was final, I laid in bed for a day. I thought I would have this feeling of closure and relief when it was done, but I didn't. I was incredibly depressed. I just was sad that it ended like this and I feel hurt that he comes off as it is just another thing, no biggie, like he had no regret about hurting me the way he did. I know I cannot control his feelings or thoughts, I just expected more. I was also in complete PB withdrawal. I missed her terribly. I got her back on Saturday, I pulled myself out of bed and took some days off from work and just enjoyed being with her. Dropping her off at school yesterday was so hard knowing I wouldn't be seeing her until Saturday. She did call last night. I am happy she asks to call me. She doesn't often ask to call her dad when she is with me.

I am still feeling down, but I am starting to feel better. My problem now is I am back to having a really hard time sleeping. I am a worrier, I sit and worry and worry and worry. I obsess and can't fall asleep. Last night I was actually really tired, yet it took my a while to fall asleep and then boom 3 am awake, obsessing. I just want to sleep. 

I've also decided I want to tackle a half marathon. This is my first week of building miles or training, as they say. I found a 10 mile run on the week that I should be at 10 miles that is fairly close, well in the Midwest, that I think I'm going to do. That way I will have a goal to work toward. It is the Monster Dash in St. Paul. I've been told to do Las Vegas in December, but I really don't see myself pulling the cash together for that one, especially when I'm looking at traveling with my Mom the week after. We're looking at Florence or Prague right now. But who knows what will happen.

I turned down the promotion. It was just too much stress to add in my life right now. The money would be nice, but my sanity, what is left of it, is worth more.

and life goes on.

In A Funk

I know today isn't the best day to complain about my problems, but I'm going to anyhow. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. I know people get divorced everyday, I know people get cheated on everyday, I know horrible things happen to people everyday and they move on they get through and are normal again. I don't know how to suck it up and be normal right now. I don't know if it is because, I sucked it up too hard right away and put on the brave face and said this isn't going to get the best of me and then when the day comes to actually get divorced it feel like I've been run over. Needless to say I'd probably be feeling better if I hadn't drank myself into oblivion the night before the final hearing and said lord knows what to who knows who. I was sick of holding it all in. I didn't want to deal with my marriage being over. It wasn't supposed to end this way, we were supposed to have a chance to try and pull it together before we gave up. I wonder if I gave up to quickly, but I know I could have never lived like that. I couldn't live wondering 24-7. I'm not built that way. I am also not built to talk all my problems out. I've heard that people have said they are amazed how well I'm taking this. I'm not taking it well, I have built up these huge walls so no one can know what I'm feeling. I will joke and laugh about it. I will say it doesn't bother me, but it does. I wish I had better coping skills other than holding it all in and getting alcohol poisoning drunk to deal, which makes me feel even worse about my coping skills. I don't know if being on my 3rd day of not having my little girl with me and the loneliness of it got to me or what. I don't know. I feel worse now than I did last week and I should be semi happy. I should be moving on with the next chapter of my life, but I'm scared, I'm scared I'm going to be the lonely cat lady which I can't be because I'm allergic to cats. I'm scared I don't have it in me to move forward. I did get offered that promotion and as much as I would like to take it I cannot imagine being away from my girl seven nights in a row. I know I could make it work but, knowing my girl is with the other woman instead of me kills me. I could use the money, I could use some of the distance away from them, but I can't bring myself to do it. So I've taken some days off of work hoping to get my mind back together and to suck it up and figure out how to move on. I wish there was an easy way to do it.

Thank You Canadian Mama

For finding my new time suckage, and my new motto.

How to Blow an Interview Without Trying

I went in and took the interview for the promotion. I thought I was doing pretty well through the first 3/4 of the oral interview. The questions seemed easier than what I thought they were going to be and I tried to think of all the benchmarks they would be looking for in each one. I got a nod at one point saying which I took as you're doing great. And then came question 4. What do you think will be the hardest thing to adjust to by promoting and I started out that learning the policies and dealing with earning respect was not really a concern of mine, I can deal with that, the hardest part would be knowing I'd have to take another shift, (and the tears start to roll) and make my family life hard for 6-8 months until I could possibly get back to first shift. Yep, I broke down in an interview. How awesome is that? I don't have enough stress in my life, so yeah, why not add trying to promote for an extra 300 dollars a month, lose seniority, lose being on first shift for 6 months to a year, lose my baby at nights, add more responsibility, and pray that I'm not stuck working doubles. WTF was I thinking and am actually considering, if they look past the whole crying jag, and offer me a position.

Timing is Everything

A few weeks ago I put in paperwork to promote. We have had a watershed of retirements and I thought hey, I do six months on 3rd shift and get back to first, with a little more pay. Well, I then thought of how long those six months on third shift would be, coupled with the fact that I've gotten divorced and Peanut Butter is starting school how much change can she take? How much can I take? I said I'd take an interview and then immediately regretting saying I would. I talked with a friend of mine, who is one of my supervisors, about the whole mess, she said just take the interview, if anything it is good practice. She understood where I was personally and said she just do what is best for me. I resigned myself to just cancel my interview, I can't guarantee that it will only be six months on third, there are people with my seniority or more also promoting and well, that is how jobs go. I know that there will be another round of people retiring in January when my six months of probation would be up, but it is anyone's guess how many and from what shift. I went on break later this afternoon an in the hallway I was stopped by basically my head supervisor and she asked if I'm interviewing, I said I have one set up, but I think I'm going to pass. She said I should take the interview and decide later, she said she'd work to get me a days off group I needed, which basically told me, show up and don't totally blow the interview and your promoted. I now feel obligated to show up for the interview.  I told J about it and said I feel like I have to interview as to not blow my good terms with the higher ups. He said you know she is going to want you to take the promotion, they want people with seniority to promote. Argh, why didn't I do this a long time ago, but where I am is finally getting good, I'm finally getting almost any day off that I want the right way. I'm finally getting within a person or two of decent, not deal with inmates everyday, jobs. I will lose all of that by promoting. There are so many what ifs.

It's a Very, Very Fine House

So, I debated which blog to post this in and as you can see I've picked this one so here goes....

The past couple weeks have been unbearably hard. I went through a week where I was mad, ragey mad. I don't know if it is the onslaught of having the divorce become final next month compiled with Peanut Butter's birthday. I started obsessing over the house. How dare them take the house from me? I put good money into that house and she just waltzes in and takes over. I think how my place is so inadequate, what was I thinking? I have no idea where it is all coming from. I really didn't want the house, getting something monetary out of it would have been nice, but since we owe more that it is worth that isn't happening. I meet with my head shrinker and tell her I don't get what the deal is, my obsession with the house, I can't afford the house, the house needs so much done to it, the house is just a reminder of us. She said what does it represent to you and "ding" we have a winner, it was a home, it was happy, safety, family, it represented so much in that matter, and the fact that it is Peanut Butter's home and I moved out of it. That and someone wasted no time moving into it. 

I know my place isn't a palace and I know it isn't quite home yet, it is hard. It is hard to hear my baby say, "Mama someday you get a new house." Someday I will, but for now I have to make due with what I have. A nice little place in a nice quiet neighborhood that needs paint.