Sunday, September 11, 2011

In A Funk

I know today isn't the best day to complain about my problems, but I'm going to anyhow. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. I know people get divorced everyday, I know people get cheated on everyday, I know horrible things happen to people everyday and they move on they get through and are normal again. I don't know how to suck it up and be normal right now. I don't know if it is because, I sucked it up too hard right away and put on the brave face and said this isn't going to get the best of me and then when the day comes to actually get divorced it feel like I've been run over. Needless to say I'd probably be feeling better if I hadn't drank myself into oblivion the night before the final hearing and said lord knows what to who knows who. I was sick of holding it all in. I didn't want to deal with my marriage being over. It wasn't supposed to end this way, we were supposed to have a chance to try and pull it together before we gave up. I wonder if I gave up to quickly, but I know I could have never lived like that. I couldn't live wondering 24-7. I'm not built that way. I am also not built to talk all my problems out. I've heard that people have said they are amazed how well I'm taking this. I'm not taking it well, I have built up these huge walls so no one can know what I'm feeling. I will joke and laugh about it. I will say it doesn't bother me, but it does. I wish I had better coping skills other than holding it all in and getting alcohol poisoning drunk to deal, which makes me feel even worse about my coping skills. I don't know if being on my 3rd day of not having my little girl with me and the loneliness of it got to me or what. I don't know. I feel worse now than I did last week and I should be semi happy. I should be moving on with the next chapter of my life, but I'm scared, I'm scared I'm going to be the lonely cat lady which I can't be because I'm allergic to cats. I'm scared I don't have it in me to move forward. I did get offered that promotion and as much as I would like to take it I cannot imagine being away from my girl seven nights in a row. I know I could make it work but, knowing my girl is with the other woman instead of me kills me. I could use the money, I could use some of the distance away from them, but I can't bring myself to do it. So I've taken some days off of work hoping to get my mind back together and to suck it up and figure out how to move on. I wish there was an easy way to do it.


Lesle Alvarado said...

I was cleaning up my blog the other day, and I came across my post-separation/divorce updates. I didn't have any problems deleting them. They were necessary then, but irrelevant now. It gets easier the further away you get from it.

I recall that I had to keep reminding myself what I was sad about was the loss of the life we were supposed to have. But I wasn't sad about no longer being with a man who would treat me and our family, so poorly. I did not want to be with a person who was supposed to love us more than life, but was actually a selfish jerk.

I feel for you with your situation with peanut butter. We tried the whole back and forth thing and I couldn't do it. I got more angry about that than anything else. Our divorce was not my doing, shuttling my kids back and forth would not do. I had kids to live with them and care for them. Not so someone else could raise them. I asked the judge for sole custody and got it.

CanadianMama said...

I think I would be dealing in the same way! You can't be healthy all the time, as long as you mostly are. Divorce sucks and I'm so sorry you are going through it!

Kat said...

Actually I think the way you are dealing with it is healthy. You have to let it all out once in a while. And until you do start feeling better about it all you kind of fake it 'til you make it. But you do have to get it all off your chest once in a while too. I hope you have some close friends you can confide in.

It is hard. Realizing what you thought you had wasn't really there. It is like the dying of a dream. But the good thing about dreams is that you can have tons of wonderful dreams. Right now, you just need to heal. Be gentle on yourself. Give yourself time to be pissed, and sad, and confused.

Hugs. And prayers to you.