Thursday, September 15, 2011

and life goes on

Peanut Butter started school last week. She was excited and seems to be adjusting well to full days. She does beg me to stay with her on the days that I drop her off though. It is heart breaking and frustrating all at the same time. 

The day before my divorce was final, I took Nicole's advice and had my hair chopped off. I wanted something new, I wanted to move on, and it is just hair. I loved it when I walked out, but I'm not so sure anymore, but I'll make it work.

After the divorce was final, I laid in bed for a day. I thought I would have this feeling of closure and relief when it was done, but I didn't. I was incredibly depressed. I just was sad that it ended like this and I feel hurt that he comes off as it is just another thing, no biggie, like he had no regret about hurting me the way he did. I know I cannot control his feelings or thoughts, I just expected more. I was also in complete PB withdrawal. I missed her terribly. I got her back on Saturday, I pulled myself out of bed and took some days off from work and just enjoyed being with her. Dropping her off at school yesterday was so hard knowing I wouldn't be seeing her until Saturday. She did call last night. I am happy she asks to call me. She doesn't often ask to call her dad when she is with me.

I am still feeling down, but I am starting to feel better. My problem now is I am back to having a really hard time sleeping. I am a worrier, I sit and worry and worry and worry. I obsess and can't fall asleep. Last night I was actually really tired, yet it took my a while to fall asleep and then boom 3 am awake, obsessing. I just want to sleep. 

I've also decided I want to tackle a half marathon. This is my first week of building miles or training, as they say. I found a 10 mile run on the week that I should be at 10 miles that is fairly close, well in the Midwest, that I think I'm going to do. That way I will have a goal to work toward. It is the Monster Dash in St. Paul. I've been told to do Las Vegas in December, but I really don't see myself pulling the cash together for that one, especially when I'm looking at traveling with my Mom the week after. We're looking at Florence or Prague right now. But who knows what will happen.

I turned down the promotion. It was just too much stress to add in my life right now. The money would be nice, but my sanity, what is left of it, is worth more.

and life goes on.


Kat said...

I LOVE the haircut! You look absolutely beautiful!!!

You are doing all the right things, you know? You are making plans and goals and things to look forward to. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other until it feels natural again. I love that you are going to travel with your mom. That is AWESOME! And WAY TO GO signing up for the half marathon! :)

To help you sleep, maybe before you go to bed write down all the things that are floating around in your head. Just to get them out of there. ???

Hang in there!

Denise said...

I Love the new look! You look great Robyn!! ((HUGS)) hoping that you can get some sleep soon. I am worrier too! I have anxiety and take a small dosage of Celexa...AMAZING! Maybe you need something for a while!:) You can e-mail me anytime.

KimBerly said...

I can't believe how grown up PB looks.
I love love love your hair.

I am sorry that you were feeling down after the divorce was final. I don't know how I would feel but I think it's completely normal to be sad. The complete lack of emotion on his part makes me want to punch him.

I think it's awesome that you want to do a marathon. I've always wanted to. Today I watched my Brother cross the finish line for his first marathon. What a huge accomplishment.

I know what you mean about about worrying at night before bed. That seems to be the time I do all my thinking and it I hate it because I can't get to sleep. UGH!

CanadianMama said...

Your hair looks wicked! Sorry about the divorce - so sorry!