A Post, Yes A Post

I am starting to beat back the winter blues and feeling the need to either post or get rid of the blog, so here I am. 

It has been a tough month since I last posted. A good friend of mine died of heart disease at 34, yes, 34. It is crazy. It was especially painful since he is a mutual friend of the ex and I and I felt pushed out. I was made to feel, my feelings didn't count. I was slammed during the week of the funeral about who I could and couldn't talk to, and who had my best interests. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my ex by the way he was acting. After sitting for 3 hours of a celebration of life, I followed up the ride home by giving myself alcohol poisoning and ending the weekend by having the ex berate me by text on my intentions of getting into it with his skank at a funeral( of which I had none) which was followed up by him telling me we were only going to talk about PB and I should get my own cell plan.  

This plan of his is actually going good for me. I was actually planning on getting my own cell plan when my tax refund came in and trying to stay actual friends with him was incredibly stressful. I know he is hiding some big secret from me and I don't care. If and when the bomb drops so be it, but I no longer care who I talk to and what he thinks about it. I like just saying, "I have nothing for you." when one of us is done talking to PB. I can almost laugh when I see the skank at work because she is thinks she is making me miserable and frankly I've let go. No, I will never have a conversation with her until I get an apology, but I feel I am better off now.

Anyhoo, I am straddling the fence on whether or not to explore internet dating. Frankly the pool I am in is less than stellar and I am not in my twenties living at the bar anymore. Yet, I don't know if the internet is the way to go either and of course I tossed the magazine that has some different options than match and eharm. 

PB seems to be doing well in school. It is great fun for me seeing her learning to read. She does make up a lot of words, but I still love it. We have conferences this month so we'll find out more. I put her in skating since she said she wanted to play hockey and then she saw the girls in skirts and wants to figure skate. For now she  just walks, falls, and gets back up. I will probably try it again when they offer it.

I've been trying to get her back in swim, but parks and rec fills in a nanosecond, so I'm hoping to get her in the end of March. After which T-ball will start. 

I'm looking at buying a house. I met with an agent at an open house at this little house that I've had my eye on. He sounded pretty promising until he said I have to get the loan for the ex's hunting land off my credit to qualify for a loan. I have been trying to get off the house and land titles since the divorce. I only have my name on the land loan which is better than both that and the house mortgage. I don't know why he is dragging his feet on this and now with our friend dying the land might be tied up longer. He did say he'd work on in this week. I so hope he does, since buying would save me almost $200 a month. The house I'm eyeing up is pretty small, but really might be a tad bigger than what I'm in now and it would be mine. It is in total old lady mode, but looking past the stuff it has potential.

Don't You Forget About Me

Since my life has become consumed with Pintrest and stalking  chatting on Facebook, I have let this blog get a little dusty. Truth be told the winter blues have settled in and I need to purge a bit. 

Yes, I sometimes get the winter blues and this year is no exception. Strangely they started when we were having the best weather in January ever. I mean, I ran outside in a t-shirt and capris and still got a sweat on. But, the short days, combined with missing Peanut Butter on days I don't have her and seemingly messing up the only flash of interest another person had in me since getting divorced, I have been feeling like curling up in bed and just sleeping, but I have been hauling my butt to work fighting off tears as I try to get through this. Last night I had a little mental break down and surprisingly am starting to feel better and I got my PB back today and have my days off coming Tuesday, Wednesday. So things seem to be getting a little brighter and hopefully the blues are on their way out.

Today when after PB got dropped off, she showed me what appeared to be a face make up brush. I asked what she had and she said a brush, she and brushed her face. I was like great. Now the person for whom this saying 

rings true for me, has worn off on my PB and she things she has to wear a ton of make up to be pretty. My biggest fear is for PB to grow up and think she has to be "pretty" to get things. But I say to myself it is just a brush and shrug it off until I see all this powder flying off of it and say, "WTF?" I ask to see the brush and it is body shimmer powder from Victoria Secrets. I about lost it, who buys that for a 5 year old? Well, the same person who took her there shopping today. Apparently they were on a little spree in Victoria's, spraying perfume and all kinds of fun stuff. Am I crazy or is spending time with a 5 year old in Victoria Secrets inappropriate? I get running in to grab an item or two. But I would never think to buy my kid something there.

Ah, such is my life.

Best Intentions

This blog like everything else I have the best intentions of keeping up and then stuff just gets in the way. I had every intention of making or at least sending Christmas cards this year, I did get card stock cut. I may have to do a New Years card. I have had every intention of getting this house back in order, but oy, as much as I try to keep up with and organize things, things seem to pile up and my mini tornado flies through. I am  happy to say I got the bathroom clean and clean sheets on the beds. I couldn't believe I finished all my wrapping last night, I was pretty dang proud of myself, until I found a couple items I missed. I feel so pressured for Christmas and I don't know why. I have zero plans. Peanut Butter is with her dad on Christmas Eve and she doesn't come over until 10ish on Christmas day. My mom and I are supposed to do dinner or something on Christmas Eve, but nothing has been set. I am dying to get out and just hang out with some people, but I don't know what to ask people. I have also been confused about a certain someone. Out of the blue it seem this person starting talking to me and then a few messages back and forth. I don't know if it is just pure friend type talking, but I want to say just ask me out already. But knowing my luck this is just a huge misunderstanding on my part. Did I mention my dryer died, yeah, that is the kind of luck I'm talking about. I noticed the other night it ran all night on the shut off when clothes are dry mode, and they clothes were dry. Then I did laundry and crud, the clothes didn't dry. I had to wear semi wet pants to work. I've had a friend looking at it and I'm thinking I should just call it a loss and head to sears and just get another one. Well that's about it for the moment. Stay tuned for a Poland post and more ramblings from me.

dear running

It's not you, it's me. I used to feel like this:

Source: momsbyheart.net via Amy on Pinterest

But now I even feel like the bottom picture when I'm running. It is as if I am running in quicksand for 4 miles every time I go out. I think I need to move on for a bit and take a break. Through the wonders of pintrest, I found a web site that has all the insanity workouts and this body needs some insanity. The mind is saying food, fat, stay warm, my body is saying eek I am not fitting into my pants. I need some intensity back I need to not be able to walk the next day and quite frankly just running isn't cutting it. I need my ass kicked. I did Jackie Warner  Xtreme Timesaver the other day and crap, it was hard. But I actually felt like I accomplished something for a hot minute.

I was supposed to blog all month?

Yeah, that went well.
Time for a little catch up.

• After 2 months of waiting I finally got called and offered the job I really wanted to get me out of the big house. I was so excited until the guy said 2nd shift 3:30-11:30. My heart sank. I would never see Peanut Butter on this shift except my days off. I hated turning it down.
• I actually got vacation time in July, so Peanut Butter and I are Ocean City bound again. I think we might take our time and drive this time. I ended up getting 2 weeks back to back so we will have plenty of time, barring any protest from her Dad.
• Took PB to the Dells for the night last Friday. She had a blast. I have never climbed so many stairs in 2 days. I was surprised how much she loved the big tube slide, that is until we flipped over and she went underwater. It was almost hilarious how it happened. She was singing loudly, "I-I-I like it, I like it give me more." as we were going down and we dumped out the tube and flipped over on our innertube and she didn't like it so much any more.
• Spent way too much at the Disney store for Christmas and managed to buy somethings with PB with me how I managed that I don't know, though she did say, " I was peeking and saw you buy me a blue brush."
• Peanut Butter has a loose tooth. She is excited. She has been asking for months when she was ever going to lose a tooth.
• And lastly, My mom and I are headed to Poland next month, so excited. I just hope it isn't too cold.

Shoes

I have now come to dislike buying shoes for Peanut Butter. I bought a pair at Target, I swear a couple weeks ago and J brought them over today when he dropped PB off and the strap had ripped off. I went to 4 stores to replace the gym shoes. PB has to wear gym shoes everyday but Tuesday to school, so buying cute shoes is a waste since she can't/won't wear them to school. I found a pair I liked at shopko, but they were brown and I wanted the black in that style. Fleet Farm had nothing, I was afraid anything I bought at wally world would rip right away like the Target pair, so I found a pair at Kohls. They aren't my favorite because, well they are gym shoes, but I did have a 15% off coupon so I bought them. And can I just say, Sketchers, I despise you, my PB fawns over your Twinkle Toes and I just cringe at the 44 dollar on sale price tag. $44 for a pair of shoes my kid will be lucky to wear 6 months. I was praying there was a pair in her size on clearance, but alas they were all 2 sizes to big.

Happy Saturday

Things I am happy about this week:

1. Name changed, must remember to get my passport done.
2. I was happy how Peanut Butter's costume came out.
3. I ran 13 miles this week on my way to 50 in November.
4. Screw up my checkbook the good way. Deducted to much and said shoot it is going to be a tight week, but realized a few days later I was double deducting a charge.
5. Halloween candy, though this can be a negative too.
6. Got 2 of PB's Christmas gifts out of the way. The girl who owns 5 dollhouses between her dad and I wants another one, a barbie size one. Good Grief, I am torn on whether or not to get her one. The only reason I am considering a barbie size one, is I know it will get played with.
7. We get to set the clocks back tonight, a little extra sleep.
8. Honeycrisp apples with caramel and brie cheese, yum.
9. Hearing PB say I Love You!
10. Revenge, my new favorite show.

All about the Benjamins

This is a backdated post since I worked a double yesterday and didn't get a chance to post. Why would I subject myself to 16 hours at the big house, well I am flat broke and I have back insurance premiums to pay and unless your exhusband makes a boatload more than you, getting divorced is a big drain on the bank account. Working overtime is not my favorite thing to do, so what do I do? This introvert decided it would be a great idea to make extra money being a 31gifts consultant. I don't know what I was thinking, my kit arrived today and I am more than overwhelmed. The only plus in this deal is I have yet to see anyone in this area have a 31 party so, fingers crossed I hit my requirements and can get out. If it works out better, I will be pleasantly surprised. 

A New Territory

I was chatting with a friend today and when I was available for dinner came up. I was a bit taken aback. I said it depends on the night. I wasn't sure if this person has dinner in mine or date dinner. We continued talking and again brought up dinner, but said no strings attached, just dinner and maybe a chance to vent. I am new to the being single game, so I have no idea how to take this. To make matters a little worse I don't have any of "those" type feelings for the guy. Great person, like to talk with him, now scared where the conversation will go. EEK.

Halloween

Miss Peanut Butter wanted to be Frankie Stein from Monster High, I could of just bought the dang costume from wally world fro 20 bucks, but no, I being the want to be crafty person that I am, had to make it myself.

She was extra excited she got to wear "lip gloss" and had scars put on her face. She didn't do a whole lot of Trick or Treating, but some how came home with a load of candy. Candy, that she will never eat, so it sits here tempting me.

We did set a bowl up for Trick or Treaters on the honor system and yeah, that went to heck. We actually stopped back at the house for PB to use the potty and while we were in the house someone dumped the whole bowl. Jerks. PB was upset! so was I. We headed back out and PB wanted to hand out candy the last hour so I had to stop at the local gas station and pick up some more candy, so much for the coupons I used on the first batch. But she had a ball handing out candy for the last hour, and I got to get dinner made while she did. I worked out perfect.

Trampled in Milwaukee

Blogging month it is. I am going to give it a whirl. I have a few things to post about so, this is a good opportunity to do so.

First up. I went to my first concert in a long time and eek, by myself. I am a total introvert, so doing this was an adventure in itself. A friend of mine from high school who by the luck of facebook, we actually keep up with each other as best we can. He told me about this band Trampled by Turtles, I know crazy name, and I liked a couple of their songs he mentioned. Like this one:



 I kept adding songs from my free library downloads and saw that they were playing in Madison and Milwaukee the end of October. My friend said, "Go! Even if you go alone, you will have a good time." Upon that request I bought a ticket to the Milwaukee show since I had plans already for the night of the  Madison show even though that one would have worked better.

I went, I had dinner by myself at the longest bar east of the Mississippi, then went to the show. I have never seen so much flannel/plaid in one place since the early nineties. Apparently, the lumberjack look is in with the hardcore TBT fans and I have never seen so many people drink Pabst beer. I had heard it was the new/old hot beer, but wasn't real sure 'til then. A group 4 on the Floor opened and they were pretty darn good. These United States were next and then Trampled. It was a fantastic show, the sound could of been a little better, but all in all, loved it. I have to thank my friend for telling me to go, because I would have never, ever done this before. He did say I'd find someone to talk to, but I didn't, though I didn't try too hard either.

If you get a chance check Trampled by Turtles out, they are a little on the side of Mumford and Sons. It is funny in my iTunes they are considered: country, rock, alternative, and indie. So a little for everyone.

Whew, A Little Dusty 'Round Here

It has been a while since I've blogged, but I figure I'll dust things off a little and catch everyone with my amazingly busy life. HA!

Everything has been pretty good here. Miss Peanut Butter had her Parent/Teacher Conference today and she is doing really well; I love hearing that she is so fun to have in class. I hope they don't say that to everyone. She has surprisingly been a cold lunch taker. I am starting to feel bad about all the turkey sandwiches I have been sending. I should really branch out a little more. I bought sunbutter, since she had been begging for pb&j and her school is nut free, but she didn't like the sandwich. I think that is one I have to make that morning and not the night before because it got all soggy. Otherwise, I have a 6 dollar jar of sunbutter to eat myself.

Last week I went to the Twin Cities for my friend's husband's funeral. It was very sad to see a life cut short at 36 from cancer. So many nice things were said about him that makes me wish I had knew him better. My heart breaks for my friend. She is coming to the area this weekend and I'm looking forward to seeing her. I also wish I would have had more time in the TC to meet up with a few of you, but it was a very short trip.

I am still waiting to hear about getting a job that would get me out of the big house.  Hopefully I hear something this week. Waiting is so hard, especially when they have changed how we pick vacation. If I should take this job I will probably miss out on the first round of picking and will have to pray that a week will still be there in July so I can take  PB back to Ocean City next year.

Slow in the Blogging World

I've been slacking in the blogging world. The last week or so I've been meaning to catch up with ya'lls blogs, and today I see most of you have been blogging as much as I have. I skimmed all the blogs and caught up. Sorry for the lack of comments. 

It has been pretty slow action wise here. So bullet points it is

• .I interviewed for a job last week that I am hoping to get. I think the interview went ok so I have my fingers crossed. 
• I bought a new/used car. I needed to get rid of my gas guzzlin' SUV which was draining my bank account faster than anything else. I ended up with a Subaru Impreza '08. I wanted something with AWD and this had it and it was priced right. Though now I keep finding little things dents and such that I didn't notice before.
• Peanut Butter is loving school and is doing pretty good in swim lessons.
• I have become addicted to Pintrest.com love this site!
• I have begun to feel pretty happy about being divorced. I have not however changed my stance on being very unhappy about my daughter living in the same house with his skank. 

Could Things Be Getting Better?

I head into work today just hoping to make it through my eight hours and then it is Peanut Butter time, when I open my email and my ta-da mail sound goes off. I applied for a job in June that I really was interested in, but to be honest, my heart just wasn't in filling out the application, but I did and I scored pretty decent on it so I was sure I was going to get an interview. Well, like I said that was in June and I hear nothing. I was surprised I wasn't offered an interview since they were supposed to be hiring what seemed like a number of people and I ranked 14th on the application. I figured they took the top ten and I missed it. In my inbox today was a letter asking if I want to interview. I SO want to interview. This job would get me out of the big house. I would still be in my line of work per se, but it would be electronic monitoring. I want out of the big house. I can't explain how badly I want this job. I could not come at a better time. It would be a slight bump in pay and the best part.....they have first shift openings. Though, I think I will even consider third shift here just to get out of the big house. I really hope I can nail this interview. 

and life goes on

Peanut Butter started school last week. She was excited and seems to be adjusting well to full days. She does beg me to stay with her on the days that I drop her off though. It is heart breaking and frustrating all at the same time. 

The day before my divorce was final, I took Nicole's advice and had my hair chopped off. I wanted something new, I wanted to move on, and it is just hair. I loved it when I walked out, but I'm not so sure anymore, but I'll make it work.

After the divorce was final, I laid in bed for a day. I thought I would have this feeling of closure and relief when it was done, but I didn't. I was incredibly depressed. I just was sad that it ended like this and I feel hurt that he comes off as it is just another thing, no biggie, like he had no regret about hurting me the way he did. I know I cannot control his feelings or thoughts, I just expected more. I was also in complete PB withdrawal. I missed her terribly. I got her back on Saturday, I pulled myself out of bed and took some days off from work and just enjoyed being with her. Dropping her off at school yesterday was so hard knowing I wouldn't be seeing her until Saturday. She did call last night. I am happy she asks to call me. She doesn't often ask to call her dad when she is with me.

I am still feeling down, but I am starting to feel better. My problem now is I am back to having a really hard time sleeping. I am a worrier, I sit and worry and worry and worry. I obsess and can't fall asleep. Last night I was actually really tired, yet it took my a while to fall asleep and then boom 3 am awake, obsessing. I just want to sleep. 

I've also decided I want to tackle a half marathon. This is my first week of building miles or training, as they say. I found a 10 mile run on the week that I should be at 10 miles that is fairly close, well in the Midwest, that I think I'm going to do. That way I will have a goal to work toward. It is the Monster Dash in St. Paul. I've been told to do Las Vegas in December, but I really don't see myself pulling the cash together for that one, especially when I'm looking at traveling with my Mom the week after. We're looking at Florence or Prague right now. But who knows what will happen.

I turned down the promotion. It was just too much stress to add in my life right now. The money would be nice, but my sanity, what is left of it, is worth more.

and life goes on.

In A Funk

I know today isn't the best day to complain about my problems, but I'm going to anyhow. I am in a funk and I don't know how to get out of it. I know people get divorced everyday, I know people get cheated on everyday, I know horrible things happen to people everyday and they move on they get through and are normal again. I don't know how to suck it up and be normal right now. I don't know if it is because, I sucked it up too hard right away and put on the brave face and said this isn't going to get the best of me and then when the day comes to actually get divorced it feel like I've been run over. Needless to say I'd probably be feeling better if I hadn't drank myself into oblivion the night before the final hearing and said lord knows what to who knows who. I was sick of holding it all in. I didn't want to deal with my marriage being over. It wasn't supposed to end this way, we were supposed to have a chance to try and pull it together before we gave up. I wonder if I gave up to quickly, but I know I could have never lived like that. I couldn't live wondering 24-7. I'm not built that way. I am also not built to talk all my problems out. I've heard that people have said they are amazed how well I'm taking this. I'm not taking it well, I have built up these huge walls so no one can know what I'm feeling. I will joke and laugh about it. I will say it doesn't bother me, but it does. I wish I had better coping skills other than holding it all in and getting alcohol poisoning drunk to deal, which makes me feel even worse about my coping skills. I don't know if being on my 3rd day of not having my little girl with me and the loneliness of it got to me or what. I don't know. I feel worse now than I did last week and I should be semi happy. I should be moving on with the next chapter of my life, but I'm scared, I'm scared I'm going to be the lonely cat lady which I can't be because I'm allergic to cats. I'm scared I don't have it in me to move forward. I did get offered that promotion and as much as I would like to take it I cannot imagine being away from my girl seven nights in a row. I know I could make it work but, knowing my girl is with the other woman instead of me kills me. I could use the money, I could use some of the distance away from them, but I can't bring myself to do it. So I've taken some days off of work hoping to get my mind back together and to suck it up and figure out how to move on. I wish there was an easy way to do it.

Thank You Canadian Mama

For finding my new time suckage, and my new motto.

How to Blow an Interview Without Trying

I went in and took the interview for the promotion. I thought I was doing pretty well through the first 3/4 of the oral interview. The questions seemed easier than what I thought they were going to be and I tried to think of all the benchmarks they would be looking for in each one. I got a nod at one point saying which I took as you're doing great. And then came question 4. What do you think will be the hardest thing to adjust to by promoting and I started out that learning the policies and dealing with earning respect was not really a concern of mine, I can deal with that, the hardest part would be knowing I'd have to take another shift, (and the tears start to roll) and make my family life hard for 6-8 months until I could possibly get back to first shift. Yep, I broke down in an interview. How awesome is that? I don't have enough stress in my life, so yeah, why not add trying to promote for an extra 300 dollars a month, lose seniority, lose being on first shift for 6 months to a year, lose my baby at nights, add more responsibility, and pray that I'm not stuck working doubles. WTF was I thinking and am actually considering, if they look past the whole crying jag, and offer me a position.

Timing is Everything

A few weeks ago I put in paperwork to promote. We have had a watershed of retirements and I thought hey, I do six months on 3rd shift and get back to first, with a little more pay. Well, I then thought of how long those six months on third shift would be, coupled with the fact that I've gotten divorced and Peanut Butter is starting school how much change can she take? How much can I take? I said I'd take an interview and then immediately regretting saying I would. I talked with a friend of mine, who is one of my supervisors, about the whole mess, she said just take the interview, if anything it is good practice. She understood where I was personally and said she just do what is best for me. I resigned myself to just cancel my interview, I can't guarantee that it will only be six months on third, there are people with my seniority or more also promoting and well, that is how jobs go. I know that there will be another round of people retiring in January when my six months of probation would be up, but it is anyone's guess how many and from what shift. I went on break later this afternoon an in the hallway I was stopped by basically my head supervisor and she asked if I'm interviewing, I said I have one set up, but I think I'm going to pass. She said I should take the interview and decide later, she said she'd work to get me a days off group I needed, which basically told me, show up and don't totally blow the interview and your promoted. I now feel obligated to show up for the interview.  I told J about it and said I feel like I have to interview as to not blow my good terms with the higher ups. He said you know she is going to want you to take the promotion, they want people with seniority to promote. Argh, why didn't I do this a long time ago, but where I am is finally getting good, I'm finally getting almost any day off that I want the right way. I'm finally getting within a person or two of decent, not deal with inmates everyday, jobs. I will lose all of that by promoting. There are so many what ifs.

It's a Very, Very Fine House

So, I debated which blog to post this in and as you can see I've picked this one so here goes....

The past couple weeks have been unbearably hard. I went through a week where I was mad, ragey mad. I don't know if it is the onslaught of having the divorce become final next month compiled with Peanut Butter's birthday. I started obsessing over the house. How dare them take the house from me? I put good money into that house and she just waltzes in and takes over. I think how my place is so inadequate, what was I thinking? I have no idea where it is all coming from. I really didn't want the house, getting something monetary out of it would have been nice, but since we owe more that it is worth that isn't happening. I meet with my head shrinker and tell her I don't get what the deal is, my obsession with the house, I can't afford the house, the house needs so much done to it, the house is just a reminder of us. She said what does it represent to you and "ding" we have a winner, it was a home, it was happy, safety, family, it represented so much in that matter, and the fact that it is Peanut Butter's home and I moved out of it. That and someone wasted no time moving into it. 

I know my place isn't a palace and I know it isn't quite home yet, it is hard. It is hard to hear my baby say, "Mama someday you get a new house." Someday I will, but for now I have to make due with what I have. A nice little place in a nice quiet neighborhood that needs paint.